je suis timide
Yesterday while driving, I asked my mom a question that had been bothering me for a while. It was, “Mom, I’ve come to realize that I’ve never seen myself settling down, marrying, and having kids. No matter how much I’ve tried, it’s just not in the picture, and I can’t force myself to see it either. Is that normal?”
I don’t ask these types of questions to people, ever. Mostly because I like keeping my thoughts to myself - and my tumblr. But just this once, I thought I’d ask it to someone I trust.
And she said in reply, “Yeah, that’s normal. It’s the people like you who don’t think about it too much that it comes to first. Those other girls who spend all their time thinking about marriage and dating, talking about it as if it’s the only subject there is, aren’t going to find what they’re looking for.”
You’re both walking in my direction, all smiles as you hold each other’s hands. It’s not winter anymore so I can no longer sink into my coat, hiding behind my bulky scarf. I have to face the both of you head on, pretending that the sight of you doesn’t take me back to days I’ve tried to put behind me.
My mind, skilled in the art of taunting me with memories, pulls one out every time you take a closer step to me.
The first time our hands brushed when we were walking.
The way the sun lit your face and how your eyes gleamed when I looked into them.
The secrets you told me in confidence, in the woods on wintery nights.
The texts we sent before going to bed.
The moment when you saw me at my worst and smiled at me anyway.
The confession that you made that still perks my lips.
The blow that swept me off my pedestal when I discovered I was no longer number one.
We’re on the same cobble step; you, I and her. Her presence, although I assume she wants me to acknowledge it, goes unnoticed and diminishes because of yours. The step holds you, me and our memories. I should bury everything here, shouldn’t I? Clearly, I was not the prize you were searching for and I hate myself for hoping I would be. As time passes, the hurt will go away, the openings will close as I stitch them back together. But what am I supposed to do when I see you, when I’m close to you, like this?
There’s only one thing I can do. You force a smile and a polite hello. Your girlfriend goes quiet and her eyes send a piercing glare. I hold my head down and murmer my own greetings. Then I walk away.
And forget…
(by: Akashia Danielle)
Secret (22).
Summer is not wonderful. The heat, the bugs, the smog. That is not beauty.
Fall is. Crisp leaves, holidays, fresh air, harvest, the change of colour on the trees. That is beauty.
Thank you to whoever left this at Value Village. I’ve been searching for this book since I was 13. I am a very happy camper.
If you want to limit yourself, that’s fine. But don’t let other people do it for you.
(Source: julie911)
Emptiness. I exude it. I’m swimming in it. I am it.
I’ve forgotten how to live when you’re absent.
(by: Akashia Danielle)
